I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I want her autograph on my taint
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
