Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
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He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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