and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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