so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
