I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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