That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
