Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
