She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
