Me too!
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
