Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize
