clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I need water and some morals
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
