You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Randomize
