I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
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