He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
