you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Randomize
