I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
