There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
