I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
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