Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Randomize
