I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
wat bout pragnant strippers??
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
