WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
