I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
