Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Sober January is a disaster.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
