Little spoons don't ask big questions
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
