Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
