the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
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