She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
