that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
