I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
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