clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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