I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Randomize
