Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
