watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Randomize
