You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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