This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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