even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
