can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
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