Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
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