Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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