i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Randomize
