just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
