Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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