Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
