I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
