I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
