So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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