She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
