I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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