fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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