I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
