Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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