I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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