She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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