I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Randomize
