So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
