I met the friendliest cop last night
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
