Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
