I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
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