im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
