you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
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She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
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I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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