Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
